In an election result that was called a political earthquake, the residents of Massachusetts collectively marched over to Ted Kennedy’s grave and dropped a huge steaming turd on his headstone by electing a dully handsome Republican douchebag named Scott Brown for Teddy’s old, whiskey-soaked, Senate seat.
Like so many earthquakes, this political plate-buckling was followed by a tsunami. In this instance the tsunami consisted of a gigantic, liquid wall of bloviation from political “thinkers” of every description.
For these thinkers, the election of Scott Brown in Massachusetts was not about the voters of Massachusetts preferring a moderately attractive person who really, really, really wanted the job over a dried-up boring old prig who couldn’t bother to remove the stick from her ass and campaign for it.
No, to these pundits, the election was a Message.
That Message, funnily enough, seemed to echo whatever the political thinker had been thinking, and saying, all along. To Fox News, the Message was that Massachusetts voters were rallying against Obama’a Liberal Marxist Totalitarian Crusade to reform health care. To the centrists in the Democratic party, as personified by Rahm Emmanuel, the Message was that Obama needed to hew ever more closely to the center. To the Liberals of the blogosphere, the Message was that Obama had not been liberal or activist enough, and had depressed the progressive and independent support that had put him into office in the first place.
To the fbomber, the Message was simpler: We are fucked.
By we, the fbomber refers not only to his own demographic of late-30-something, perennially-underemployed, quasi-homeless, pseudo-intellectuals who aspire to careers in show business despite a lack of talent or effort. The fbomber refers to the entire United States of Fucking America.
We are all fucked, because we’re all in the same boat, that boat is sinking, the sharks are circling, and the passengers are putting the same crew of dimwits that ran us into the shit-berg right back into the wheelhouse.
Remember, fbombers, you read it here first. Unless the Republicans do something extraordinarily --- no, make that Palin-ically stupid ---- like run a retarded one-half-term governor for President, or the Democrats do something extraordinarily brave* --- like actually enact real health care, financial, trade, tax, military and entitlement reform --- we will be back to one-party, Republican rule by 2012 at the latest.
The fbomber doesn’t base this prediction on any polls or surveys or findings whatsoever. He bases it on the simple observation that the Mean people are back in the game. And the Mean people tend to win, except under extraordinary circumstances.
In an earlier post, the fbomber posited a theory of politics that divides people into quadrants based on where they fall on the two axes of Intelligence and Empathy. For a refresher, visit this posting.
As of early 2010, Obama and the Democrats have simultaneously managed to inflame to Mean people, especially the Stupid ones, into action and to depress the Nice people into a disappointed torpor.
The 2008 election was extraordinary because the Mean people, both Smart and Stupid, sat on their hands. The chronic and flagrant bungling of the Republicans from 2000-2008 in every area from controlling spending, to starting and waging wars was so obvious that even the most vicious and idiotic of America’s great Moronic Masses could not sign up for another four years of the same.
However, as the 1985 Emilio Estevez teen-punk-greaser film states: That Was Then… This Is Now. Now, the Mean --- Smart and Stupid --- are back.
And why not?
After all, it has been a full year since the Republicans skipped town after bankrupting the country, dismantling the government, shredding the constitution, breaking the military, flaunting international law, embarrassing our nation and committing us to ongoing, multi-year and multi-trillion dollar debacles on Wall Street, Iraq and Afghanistan.
A year is a long, long time to expect someone to remember something that they never wanted to know in the first place. So the mouth-breathers of America have completely forgotten who has inflicted all this pain on us. Now, according to conventional wisdom --- aka what people who don’t think about things think about things --- Obama owns all those problems himself.
And the mouth-breathers are pissed off at him for them. Hence the Tea Party movement, a group which appears to be --- more than anything else ---- motivated by a simple hatred of paying taxes. And, by extension, everything those taxes pay for, except for the things that explode and kill poor brown people. **
At the same time time, Obama, his inner circle of advisors and Democrats in general have managed to depress and disgust the Smart and Nice and Stupid and Nice people. These people wanted something different from the eight years of incompetence, deficits, wars and governance transparently dictated by rich corporations. And Team Obama simply did not deliver.
On the most pressing issues --- the crashing economy, health care reform and reining in the out-of-control financial industry --- Obama delegated both vision and substance to an obviously lobbyist-owned Congress. On the one issue that Obama did take responsibility for --- the war in Afghanistan --- he chose a George W. Bush-esque escalation, complete with a speech about Evil and the world and the need to defeat it with unarmed predator drone strikes.
The worst that you can say about his is that he never intended to bring change or fulfill hope in the first place. That he is a fake liar bullshit artist who tricked Progressives into electing him, in order to sell them out to the corporate and militarist power elite. That’s the worst.
The best isn’t much better. At best, he is either a) incompetent. b) competent but constrained by the realities of a dismantled apparatus of governance, an unforgivingly tight budget, a compromised Democratic party and vindictively obstructionist Republican minority.
Neither one of those things is the kind of slogan that will get Democrats’ hearts racing again. “Come on, support our guy! He’s just either clueless or trapped!” doesn’t even rhyme.
So exactly why will the voters reject the Democratic Party’s style of slow-motion, reluctant slide into disaster and choose the the Republican’s reckless gleeful drunken plunge into the shit?
Quadrant by Quadrant:
Smart & Nice. This is the heart of the Democratic party. Without this group passionately excited, activated and engaged, nothing happens for the Democrats. This group needs to be shown that Obama can and will deliver the things he promised on the campaign trail. Like at least ONE from the following list:
1) Real Health Care Reform, not some Senate-Clusterfuck-Corporate-Compromise bullshit. This means some sort of Public Option, period.
2) Tough, fair, strict, strategic financial regulatory reform. Smart & Nice people are motivated by a desire for fairness above all. Having one already rich and powerful industry get more riches, breaks, bailouts and exemptions from the rules of both Law and Economics isn’t acceptable. The financial industry needs to be made to serve the economy as a whole, not the industry itself.
3) Investments in Jobs Now That Create Smart Growth Later. America needs jobs now and a Green Economy Infrastructure for later. A national electrical grid. A network of plug-in hybrid charging stations.
4) Fairer Trade. American workers are among the most productive and efficient in the world. Yet we compete on price with nations who do not offer protections to their workers or environment. And who manipulate their nations’ currency to create a pricing advantage. Surely we could quantify the artificial, unfair advantages that these nations offer and create a tariff that removes that unfair edge. To reduce that tariff to zero, the nations would simply need to stop their unfair practices.
5) Energy Independence.
Unfortunately, the chances of Obama and the Democrats accomplishing any of these things considering A) A unified Republican opposition in a Senate which can be paralyzed by 41 nay-sayers B) Democrat’s own stomach-turning spinelessness, cowardice, greed, corruption, and treachery C) The raging torrent of corporate money directed at maintaining the status quo --- is just about zilch.
Nice & Dumb.
If the Smart & Nice crowd could be sufficiently energized, the Nice & Dumb crowd would follow. So forget that.
Mean & Smart.
Democrats cannot ever convert the Mean people. All they can hope is to neutralize. In 2008, Obama did this by allowing his campaign to be financed by the financial industry, and surrounding himself with people who would ensure that the financial industry would be taken care of.
IF the economic pie were still growing --- no matter how fake and toxic its filling --- Obama could continue to let the plutocracy gorge their ever larger slices, while the lower 98% of America enjoyed the crumbs and napkin-stains.
But now Obama has a dilemma. He needs to reform the financial industry to prevent another economic collapse, not to mention establish some sort of credibility as a President who actually does his job.
So he is going to lose the plutocrat’s bought-off neutrality. In fact, he already is.
Mean & Dumb.
These are the foot soldiers for the regression of the American experiment into some sort of corn-pone fascist banana republic. These hateful morons sat out the election in 2008, but --- as evidenced in Massachusetts, are agitated and gaining the political equivalent of retard strength by simply offering hurting, pissed off stupid people a chance to lash out at everyone but the people who caused their pain.
Their anger, combined with the Smart & Mean money seals the deal for the Republicans in 2010 and 2012, unless one specific thing happens: They manage to do something so stupid that they fuck it all up for themselves to do that for you. Luckily, they do that pretty consistently. Like vote for Ross Perot in 1992. Like take over the Republican primary put someone far too unelectable up for office, like they did in upstate New York with that ridiculous carpetbagger Hoffman guy.
Which is where Sarah Palin comes in. As someone who isn’t interested in reliving 2000-2008, but with even less money and international prestige, I can only hope that the Palin juggernaut continues to gain steam, that her supporters overwhelm the Republican primary and that she runs for President in 2012. Whatever Obama’s failings, the very thought of the babblings of that half-wit harridan coming from the Oval Office would instantly convert every quadrant but Mean and Stupid into banner-waving Democrats in about half-a-second.
* If the current crop Democrats ever did anything extraordinarily brave then all our problems would be solved anyway. Because if that happened enough winged pigs would fly out of enough asses that we could harness their collective flapping power to replace fossil fuels forever.
** The fbomber does not like paying taxes himself. And does not expect anyone to. But he has traveled abroad, and notes that the countries that spend money on themselves tend to be nicer than the countries that don’t. And the fbomber wants to live in a nice country.
Showing posts with label Sarah Palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarah Palin. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Sarah Palin's Book Contract
The publishing industry is abuzz with speculation about Sarah Palin's memoir sales.
Insiders say that if Gov. Palin writes a book, she would get paid $7 million dollars. Furthermore, if she reads one, she'll get $8 million.
Insiders say that if Gov. Palin writes a book, she would get paid $7 million dollars. Furthermore, if she reads one, she'll get $8 million.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
The fbomber Told You So, Part I
In this article, "5 Myths About Those Civic-Minded, Deeply Informed Voters", Washington Post writer Rick Shenkman confirms many of the fbomber's theories about American voters*, but without resorting to overbroad generalizations, scatological analogies, scurrilous accusations, gratuitous insults, misogynistic rantings, a gross distortion of facts or a graph drawn on the back of an index card.
Yeah, I know. Bor-ing!
To summarize (and chime in):
1. American voters are Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. (Where's Iraq? Who's Karl Marx? What war was the Battle of Bunker Hill fought in? Don't ask Americans. Ask wikipedians**)
2. Conservative voters are not necessarily more dumb than liberal voters. (The study did not measure Meanness levels.)
3. Even if you give American voters the facts, they will still draw the wrong conclusions. (This should come as no surprise, in a country where half the population still believes in Creationism, despite being forcibly exposed to Evolution countless times during their journey through the educational system)
4. Voters are as Dumb as ever, and maybe even Dumber, despite rising educational levels. (A cursory viewing of the "Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break" documentary series should explain why a college degree need not automatically result in higher intellectual achievements.)
5. Young people don't follow the news, really, at all. (Facebook Status Updates, apparently, do not count.)
So what? So --- the fbomber repeats --- attempts to reach American voters through their heads are going to fail to engage the broader electorate. If Darwinism can't penetrate our thick skulls after 100 years, do you think that Obamanomics has a chance in 7 weeks?
Democrats have got to generate stronger emotions from American guts.
And not just the positive, happy, warm, hopeful emotions I watched being created in Denver either. Those emotions are nice, but fbomber has far too often watched them get beat up and hand their lunch money over to the uglier emotions of greed, fear and hate inside the election booth.
The McCain strategy coalesced late and is disjointed, but it is very powerful. I'll call it the High-Low-Fear approach.
At the High end, McCain's biography and history makes a convincing case to Sweet and Dumb Swing voters that he won't do ALL the stupid things Bush did. That he's a Maverick. That he's Competent. That he's a Reformer. That he's a Lifelong Public Servant, and Oh Yeah, One More Thing, A War Hero.
At the Low end, McCain's concessions to the Hard Right on war and taxes--- plus his pick of Hockey Mom*** Sarah Palin --- energize the Mean half of the voting spectrum, both Smart and Dumb.
Underneath it all, like a steady, throbbing bass beat, the Fear message --- Obama is young, he is inexperienced, we don't know him, he's kind of different from most of us, he doesn't kick ass, he's naive, he's not ready, he can't execute, he can't protect us --- will depress and demotivate support for Obama across the board.
Democrats have got to generate some fear themselves. Fear that McCain is too Old, too Crazy, to Angry, and too Unhealthy for the job. Fear that he'll continue the Worst and Stupidest of the Republican policies. Fear that Sarah Palin might wind up in the Oval Office, and make us nostalgic for the last eight years when we only had someone pretending to be a redneck in the White House.
Democrats have to generate enough fear to make the Smartest and Nicest of the Dumb & Mean people doubt their allegiance to McCain, and stay home on Election Day. And to make the Sweet & Dumb Swing Voters of America so afraid of a McCain/Palin victory that they go vote for Obama. Or, at the very least, don't go vote for McCain. Or at the very, very least NOT go to vote against Obama.
---
* The fbomber is not one of these self-hating Americans who believes that Americans are inherently stupider, greedier, meaner, lazier and more fearful than other nations. He is a self-hating American who believes that these elements are distributed more or less evenly throughout the entire human race. He does note, however, that American culture tends to glorify and actually revel in these characteristics more than any other nation he has seen. And that Americans, in fact, appear to willfully confuse these faults with virtues.
** Some might quibble that this characterization was based on measuring what someone knows, not their capability to learn and perform. So more accurately measures interests, not intelligence. A person uninterested in politics might score very low on this test, but be extremely informed and capable in other matters more relevant to daily life.
To which the fbomber responds: Nice try, dummy. Kicking ass in Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City does not count as having "street smarts."
*** Living in Southern California, the fbomber is unfamiliar with this taxonomic classification and hasn't yet had it clearly defined for him yet. As best he can tell, it's just like a soccer mom, but a complete cunt.
Yeah, I know. Bor-ing!
To summarize (and chime in):
1. American voters are Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. (Where's Iraq? Who's Karl Marx? What war was the Battle of Bunker Hill fought in? Don't ask Americans. Ask wikipedians**)
2. Conservative voters are not necessarily more dumb than liberal voters. (The study did not measure Meanness levels.)
3. Even if you give American voters the facts, they will still draw the wrong conclusions. (This should come as no surprise, in a country where half the population still believes in Creationism, despite being forcibly exposed to Evolution countless times during their journey through the educational system)
4. Voters are as Dumb as ever, and maybe even Dumber, despite rising educational levels. (A cursory viewing of the "Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break" documentary series should explain why a college degree need not automatically result in higher intellectual achievements.)
5. Young people don't follow the news, really, at all. (Facebook Status Updates, apparently, do not count.)
So what? So --- the fbomber repeats --- attempts to reach American voters through their heads are going to fail to engage the broader electorate. If Darwinism can't penetrate our thick skulls after 100 years, do you think that Obamanomics has a chance in 7 weeks?
Democrats have got to generate stronger emotions from American guts.
And not just the positive, happy, warm, hopeful emotions I watched being created in Denver either. Those emotions are nice, but fbomber has far too often watched them get beat up and hand their lunch money over to the uglier emotions of greed, fear and hate inside the election booth.
The McCain strategy coalesced late and is disjointed, but it is very powerful. I'll call it the High-Low-Fear approach.
At the High end, McCain's biography and history makes a convincing case to Sweet and Dumb Swing voters that he won't do ALL the stupid things Bush did. That he's a Maverick. That he's Competent. That he's a Reformer. That he's a Lifelong Public Servant, and Oh Yeah, One More Thing, A War Hero.
At the Low end, McCain's concessions to the Hard Right on war and taxes--- plus his pick of Hockey Mom*** Sarah Palin --- energize the Mean half of the voting spectrum, both Smart and Dumb.
Underneath it all, like a steady, throbbing bass beat, the Fear message --- Obama is young, he is inexperienced, we don't know him, he's kind of different from most of us, he doesn't kick ass, he's naive, he's not ready, he can't execute, he can't protect us --- will depress and demotivate support for Obama across the board.
Democrats have got to generate some fear themselves. Fear that McCain is too Old, too Crazy, to Angry, and too Unhealthy for the job. Fear that he'll continue the Worst and Stupidest of the Republican policies. Fear that Sarah Palin might wind up in the Oval Office, and make us nostalgic for the last eight years when we only had someone pretending to be a redneck in the White House.
Democrats have to generate enough fear to make the Smartest and Nicest of the Dumb & Mean people doubt their allegiance to McCain, and stay home on Election Day. And to make the Sweet & Dumb Swing Voters of America so afraid of a McCain/Palin victory that they go vote for Obama. Or, at the very least, don't go vote for McCain. Or at the very, very least NOT go to vote against Obama.
---
* The fbomber is not one of these self-hating Americans who believes that Americans are inherently stupider, greedier, meaner, lazier and more fearful than other nations. He is a self-hating American who believes that these elements are distributed more or less evenly throughout the entire human race. He does note, however, that American culture tends to glorify and actually revel in these characteristics more than any other nation he has seen. And that Americans, in fact, appear to willfully confuse these faults with virtues.
** Some might quibble that this characterization was based on measuring what someone knows, not their capability to learn and perform. So more accurately measures interests, not intelligence. A person uninterested in politics might score very low on this test, but be extremely informed and capable in other matters more relevant to daily life.
To which the fbomber responds: Nice try, dummy. Kicking ass in Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City does not count as having "street smarts."
*** Living in Southern California, the fbomber is unfamiliar with this taxonomic classification and hasn't yet had it clearly defined for him yet. As best he can tell, it's just like a soccer mom, but a complete cunt.
Friday, September 05, 2008
GOPVPT&A2: The Update
No matter how cynical the fbomber gets, he can’t keep up with reality.
The fbomber knew that the Palin appointment would rouse the Mean and Stupid elements of the GOP, but had no idea that this one woman would be the spark that would re-ignite the capital C, capital W, Culture War. The War that has raged --- as best as he can tell --- since the dirty hippies had the nerve to suggest that America would be a cooler place if we didn’t subjugate Negroes, oppress women, legislate an Old Testament Judeo-Christian morality on everyone, kill innocent foreigners without reason and dress up in a dark gray suit every time we left the house.
Those filthy, bra-burning Commies somehow succeeded in corrupting our nation’s morals, causing America to fall from the Edenic peace and purity that existed in this Godly, Righteous nation before oral sex, the electric guitar and incense ruined everything.*
Stoked with the kind of rage that only comes from having freedom, fairness and scientific facts forced onto a mind that has no use for those things, America’s Meanest & Dumbest have burned with an unrelenting, unthinking, resentful fury for the last four decades.
Ever on the alert for a new power source, the Smart and Mean Republicans latched onto this rage early, riding and directing the Dumb & Mean crowd like that twisted dwarf Master rode the huge retard Blaster in “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.”
An interesting thing almost happened this election. Up until Wednesday, it looked like this year’s Smart and Mean twisted dwarf, John McCain, would be fighting in the Thunderdome solo. Despite a recent conversion to craven, servile televangelist bum-nuzzling,** McCain’s antipathy for the snake-handling set has always been obvious and reciprocated. Without someone that the Guns, God, Babies, Creationism and Hate-Faggots set could get excited about, McCain’s campaign looked ready to expire with the same sad, weak whimper McCain himself makes when he is unable to reach his bedpan in time.
Enter Sarah “Barracuda” Palin.
There was only one small hitch. Before the Republicans could present their model of Family Values and Good Old Fashioned Morality to the nation, they had to dispose of an inconvenient set of embarrassing facts called Her Life, all in a single toilet flush of a press release.
And what a deliciously white-trash set of facts it was, too. A pregnant teenage daughter.*** A drunk-driving husband.**** A power-abuse scandal involving a wife-beating state trooper brother-in-law.***** Close ties to an organization agitating for secession from the United States******. *******.
The only thing missing was clarification on whether the Alaska Governor’s mansion is a single or double-wide.
Despite these little foibles --- any one of which would have caused FOX News to launch a separate, outraged, channel if Obama had done them******** --- she has been received rapturously by her target audience.
Never so rapturously as when she delivered her speech Wednesday, a speech which reminded the fbomber of some bitchy, quarterback-fucking high school cheerleader putting the earnest valedictorian in his social place by reminding everyone how totally lame it is to be smart and care about learning and people and stuff. And that really cool people kick ass and shit. Also drill for oil and cut taxes, because, like, fuck you, nerd, you suck.
For the loyal Dumb & Mean Dog-mericans salivating at her every word, the message could not have been clearer: Attack.
It’s on. That's right, motherfuckers, it's on.*********
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
* Oddly --- despite hearing repeated intimations that a prelapsarian bliss suffused America before these morals were corrupted --- the fbomber has never seen an old newspaper headline proclaiming “Everything Just Dandy!” Not even from the 1950’s.
** McCain’s reversals leave the fbomber unable to believe anything the man says. This is a far cry from his previous honesty, when McCain was “The Straight Talk Express.” As a matter of fact, the only straight talk the fbomber has heard from McCain recently is when he called his own wife a cunt.
That I do believe. She even looks scary. Like if JonBenet Ramsey caught that aging disease.
*** The fbomber loves the sense of outrage that Palin’s spokespeople generated about the Internet rumors that pegged the five-month-old Trig as her daughter’s. “How dare you,” they screamed “suggest anything so sordid as that Trig is the 17-year-old Bristol’s secret illegitimate love-child? Bristol’s secret illegitimate love child is ANOTHER BABY ALTOGETHER, one who hasn’t even been born yet, thank you very much. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
The fbomber is also gratified to see how classy Barrack Obama was, sternly telling his campaign that Palin’s family was “off-limits.”
The fbomber agrees with the move, but would have phrased it differently, something along the lines of “The fact that Governor Palin’s preachy, holier-than-though, abstinence-only-education, Traditional-Values, in-your-face, puritanical morality did not prevent her own daughter from being a raving, cock-hungry slut moaning in ecstasy as a horny hockey jock jammed his throbbing fuckstick balls-deep into her quivering, downy-haired, 16-year-old, unmarried cooter without any form of birth control is most definitely ‘off limits.’”
But hey, po-tay-toh, po-tah-to.
**** Dude is a professional snow-mobiler. Who has twice won a 2,000 mile snow-mobile race. 2,000 miles. The fbomber has to salute the pure American-ness of a soul who sees two thousand miles of pristine Arctic Wilderness, unspoiled by man, and thinks to himself that it looks like a great place for him and a hundred other rednecks to drive their snow-Harleys across at top speed.
Best of all, combined with his two other professions of commercial fisherman and oil-field worker, this means that this guy spends literally EVERY WAKING HOUR of his life despoiling the environment and basically raping Mother Nature in some way or the other. You have to respect that commitment.
***** Imagine the shock a family experiences when they learn that a rural cop turns out to be a violent bully. That would be nearly as surprising as marrying a stripper and discovering that she has cocaine and daddy issues.
****** Last I heard, ultra-nationalist elements in Russia were reconsidering the sale of Alaska to the U.S.. The Alaska Independence Party might want to look at some footage of Tblisi getting leveled by mortar fire before they strike off on their own. Or, on second thought, maybe not. Let them just go for it.
******* Adding all these things together, it’s clear that Alaska isn’t the Last Frontier anymore. It’s the New Confederacy.
******** Having grown up in a town of 400 souls, in the Deep Red state of Oklahoma, the fbomber is intimately familiar with how the deeply conflicted Fundamentalist Christian mind works. This mind --- consisting of its unstable mixture of natural, unsophisticated, vulgar impulses and indoctrinated, all-pervasive shame and guilt about those impulses --- is willing to overlook and forgive just about any perverse act, just so long as the person didn’t actually enjoy it.
In this way, both liberals and conservatives live by the motto of “If it feels good, Do It.” The conservatives simply add the extra steps of “Fight It, Hide It, Deny It, Regret It and Persecute It.”
********* Having long ago deserted the Culture Wars frontline to hide out in the safe fortress of Los Angeles, the fbomber remains ready to offer terms of a truce. We Godless, arrogant abortionists get New York, Miami, San Francisco and Los Angeles. You ignorant, hypocritical pigfuckers can have everything else. In other words, the status quo. Let's go ahead and make it official.
The fbomber knew that the Palin appointment would rouse the Mean and Stupid elements of the GOP, but had no idea that this one woman would be the spark that would re-ignite the capital C, capital W, Culture War. The War that has raged --- as best as he can tell --- since the dirty hippies had the nerve to suggest that America would be a cooler place if we didn’t subjugate Negroes, oppress women, legislate an Old Testament Judeo-Christian morality on everyone, kill innocent foreigners without reason and dress up in a dark gray suit every time we left the house.
Those filthy, bra-burning Commies somehow succeeded in corrupting our nation’s morals, causing America to fall from the Edenic peace and purity that existed in this Godly, Righteous nation before oral sex, the electric guitar and incense ruined everything.*
Stoked with the kind of rage that only comes from having freedom, fairness and scientific facts forced onto a mind that has no use for those things, America’s Meanest & Dumbest have burned with an unrelenting, unthinking, resentful fury for the last four decades.
Ever on the alert for a new power source, the Smart and Mean Republicans latched onto this rage early, riding and directing the Dumb & Mean crowd like that twisted dwarf Master rode the huge retard Blaster in “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.”
An interesting thing almost happened this election. Up until Wednesday, it looked like this year’s Smart and Mean twisted dwarf, John McCain, would be fighting in the Thunderdome solo. Despite a recent conversion to craven, servile televangelist bum-nuzzling,** McCain’s antipathy for the snake-handling set has always been obvious and reciprocated. Without someone that the Guns, God, Babies, Creationism and Hate-Faggots set could get excited about, McCain’s campaign looked ready to expire with the same sad, weak whimper McCain himself makes when he is unable to reach his bedpan in time.
Enter Sarah “Barracuda” Palin.
There was only one small hitch. Before the Republicans could present their model of Family Values and Good Old Fashioned Morality to the nation, they had to dispose of an inconvenient set of embarrassing facts called Her Life, all in a single toilet flush of a press release.
And what a deliciously white-trash set of facts it was, too. A pregnant teenage daughter.*** A drunk-driving husband.**** A power-abuse scandal involving a wife-beating state trooper brother-in-law.***** Close ties to an organization agitating for secession from the United States******. *******.
The only thing missing was clarification on whether the Alaska Governor’s mansion is a single or double-wide.
Despite these little foibles --- any one of which would have caused FOX News to launch a separate, outraged, channel if Obama had done them******** --- she has been received rapturously by her target audience.
Never so rapturously as when she delivered her speech Wednesday, a speech which reminded the fbomber of some bitchy, quarterback-fucking high school cheerleader putting the earnest valedictorian in his social place by reminding everyone how totally lame it is to be smart and care about learning and people and stuff. And that really cool people kick ass and shit. Also drill for oil and cut taxes, because, like, fuck you, nerd, you suck.
For the loyal Dumb & Mean Dog-mericans salivating at her every word, the message could not have been clearer: Attack.
It’s on. That's right, motherfuckers, it's on.*********
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
* Oddly --- despite hearing repeated intimations that a prelapsarian bliss suffused America before these morals were corrupted --- the fbomber has never seen an old newspaper headline proclaiming “Everything Just Dandy!” Not even from the 1950’s.
** McCain’s reversals leave the fbomber unable to believe anything the man says. This is a far cry from his previous honesty, when McCain was “The Straight Talk Express.” As a matter of fact, the only straight talk the fbomber has heard from McCain recently is when he called his own wife a cunt.
That I do believe. She even looks scary. Like if JonBenet Ramsey caught that aging disease.
*** The fbomber loves the sense of outrage that Palin’s spokespeople generated about the Internet rumors that pegged the five-month-old Trig as her daughter’s. “How dare you,” they screamed “suggest anything so sordid as that Trig is the 17-year-old Bristol’s secret illegitimate love-child? Bristol’s secret illegitimate love child is ANOTHER BABY ALTOGETHER, one who hasn’t even been born yet, thank you very much. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
The fbomber is also gratified to see how classy Barrack Obama was, sternly telling his campaign that Palin’s family was “off-limits.”
The fbomber agrees with the move, but would have phrased it differently, something along the lines of “The fact that Governor Palin’s preachy, holier-than-though, abstinence-only-education, Traditional-Values, in-your-face, puritanical morality did not prevent her own daughter from being a raving, cock-hungry slut moaning in ecstasy as a horny hockey jock jammed his throbbing fuckstick balls-deep into her quivering, downy-haired, 16-year-old, unmarried cooter without any form of birth control is most definitely ‘off limits.’”
But hey, po-tay-toh, po-tah-to.
**** Dude is a professional snow-mobiler. Who has twice won a 2,000 mile snow-mobile race. 2,000 miles. The fbomber has to salute the pure American-ness of a soul who sees two thousand miles of pristine Arctic Wilderness, unspoiled by man, and thinks to himself that it looks like a great place for him and a hundred other rednecks to drive their snow-Harleys across at top speed.
Best of all, combined with his two other professions of commercial fisherman and oil-field worker, this means that this guy spends literally EVERY WAKING HOUR of his life despoiling the environment and basically raping Mother Nature in some way or the other. You have to respect that commitment.
***** Imagine the shock a family experiences when they learn that a rural cop turns out to be a violent bully. That would be nearly as surprising as marrying a stripper and discovering that she has cocaine and daddy issues.
****** Last I heard, ultra-nationalist elements in Russia were reconsidering the sale of Alaska to the U.S.. The Alaska Independence Party might want to look at some footage of Tblisi getting leveled by mortar fire before they strike off on their own. Or, on second thought, maybe not. Let them just go for it.
******* Adding all these things together, it’s clear that Alaska isn’t the Last Frontier anymore. It’s the New Confederacy.
******** Having grown up in a town of 400 souls, in the Deep Red state of Oklahoma, the fbomber is intimately familiar with how the deeply conflicted Fundamentalist Christian mind works. This mind --- consisting of its unstable mixture of natural, unsophisticated, vulgar impulses and indoctrinated, all-pervasive shame and guilt about those impulses --- is willing to overlook and forgive just about any perverse act, just so long as the person didn’t actually enjoy it.
In this way, both liberals and conservatives live by the motto of “If it feels good, Do It.” The conservatives simply add the extra steps of “Fight It, Hide It, Deny It, Regret It and Persecute It.”
********* Having long ago deserted the Culture Wars frontline to hide out in the safe fortress of Los Angeles, the fbomber remains ready to offer terms of a truce. We Godless, arrogant abortionists get New York, Miami, San Francisco and Los Angeles. You ignorant, hypocritical pigfuckers can have everything else. In other words, the status quo. Let's go ahead and make it official.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
GOP VP T&A
When I looked at the picture of McCain standing next to a pouty-lipped brunette last week, for a second I thought that I was looking at his campaign’s “Bring Your Granddaughter to Work Day” photo op.
For a moment, I considered adding this chestnut-haired beauty to the gallery of Presidential-candidate-family-masturbation-fodder, to serve in rotation along with the 2000-vintage Gore girls, 2004-period Bush Twins and the circa-2008 Chelsea. Scanning the caption of the photo for a name to moan to myself while imagining my nutsack resting on those angular cheekbones, I saw that this was no mere familial bimbo. Not at all. This was The Bimbo, the Bimbo Who Would Be Veep, the Bimbo a Single 72-Year-Old, Stroke-Having, Tantrum-Throwing Heartbeat Away from the Presidency.
I immediately took myself to wikipedia, where I absorbed the pertinent facts about this Sarah Palin person. New Governor of Alaska. Former Mayor of some frozen shithole village of 6,000 backward souls. Mother of five, including a Downs Syndrome baby. Former High School Basketball star, Beauty Pageant winner, and Newscaster.
McCain had picked this hardbody, er, nobody for his VP? Where’s the experience? The gravitas? The credentials to contribute to his Presidency and --- if actuarial charts have any legitimacy --- finish it?
Like many Democrats, I initially saw this as a pathetic, desperate Hail Mary move to court the female vote. Surely, I thought, they can’t believe that this transparent ploy will work, can they? Just how stupid do they think American women are? Even in my most cynical, I don’t believe that American women are so dim-witted as to view all vaginas as interchangeable when it’s time to vote. American men, yes. But even then only for sexual purposes.
For a second I almost felt sorry for the Republicans, to see their once-mighty Presidential-electing machinery in such disrepair.
Then I remembered. The Republicans do not make stupid mistakes before an election. They wait until afterwards, when they can be sure that someone else will suffer the consequences.
Though picking Titsy McHotAss for the 2nd Banana spot might be a bold move, even a risky one, you can be sure that it was a well-thought-out, scenario-crunched, focus-grouped, strategic risky move.
Upon further thought, I realized that the Smart & Nice Quadrant Democrats were ridiculing the choice because they were looking at it intellectually and logically… with their heads. A perspective in which it was a profoundly wrong, even laughable, move.
Looking at the choice of BubbleLips McBedroomEyes from the perspective of the other three Quadrants --- Nice & Dumb, Dumb & Mean and Smart & Mean --- however, it’s a genius stroke on several levels.
For most people in this country, smarts don’t mean so much in making decisions, even --- no, especially --- voting decisions. It’s about the gut, the emotions, how someone feels. Do they like or dislike someone? Fear or identify with? Want to choke or want to fuck? On these questions --- especially that last one --- GlamourPuss McCamelToe lifts --- no, Space-Shuttle-booster-rockets… McCain’s campaign to a higher level.
1. She engorges a previously limp and flaccid campaign.
Let’s dispense with the tissue-thin fiction that this was anything like a substantive, experience-driven, qualifications-motivated pick. This is a casting based on image and identity, nothing else. Though I’m sure Sarah Palin is a nice woman, she has not done anything in her life that would qualify her for consideration for the office of Vice President of the United States of America.*
She’s cheesecake. T&A. Eye Candy. The Republican’s primary problem this election is fatigue. And Nipples McMonsVenus provides instant stimulation. After all, is anyone ever too tired for porn? Because that’s what this 40-something GILF** is. A political centerfold, chosen for the same reasons 19-year olds named Brandi get put into men’s magazines wearing (briefly) nurse outfits.
She is not pornography just on the superficial, physical level either, though that is why she will soak up TV coverage like a fresh Tampax. As she will be presented to us, Palin’s whole life is a graphic, visual, multi-page photo spread of all the fantasies that put the lead in the Conservative pencil. Rugged individualism, as expressed by the wilderness of Alaska. Shooting guns. Using an internal combustion engine outdoors. Going to church. Having babies. Lot and lots of babies.***
To a tired and demoralized population of Dumb & Mean Americans, these images will be like a Viagra IV drip, raising them from their inert state to a condition of turgid, inflamed readiness.
2. By use of the “I’m rubber and you’re glue” gambit, she will be the vehicle for the continuing attack on Barrack Obama’s readiness for office.
Get ready to see and hear a concerted, unified effort to equate and conflate her level of experience with Barrack Obama’s. In rough terms, this effort will equate her experience as mayor of Mayberry, Alaska to Obama’s Illinois state legislature. And her two years as Governor with his two years in the U.S. Senate.
Though this message is so egregiously bullshit that nobody should be able to entertain it --- much less repeat it --- without breaking into snickers of disbelief, it will get repeated many, many times. For the Dumb people who it is aimed at, this continuous debate and repetition will validate this equivalency. In this way, attacks that discredit Palin will have a kind of jiu-jitsu effect on weakening Obama with America’s more bovine Sweet & Dumb voters.
3. Palin gives the Right a chance to give Hillary Clinton a final, gratuitous, vicious kick in the pantsuit-crotch while she’s down.
One woman left the race. Another woman entered. It’s natural that people will compare the two. And even if it’s not, FOX News is going to be sure to do it anyway.
And in the comparison, Palin is going to be portrayed as the infinitely less threatening and more likable. Instead of elite universities and a law career, Palin went for a state school and being a prettyface news anchor. Instead of one kid who went to Stanford, Palin has had five, including one now joining the Army. And instead of a hideous coven of lesbian, feminist, communist, Nazi, flag-burning, blood-drinking, Bible-desecrating witches, Palin has gone to a regular Christian church.
-
Judging from these criteria, LabiaLips McSugarClit is a brilliant addition to the campaign. It just makes me wonder how the Republican machine finds people like her, people who can match the required, retarded Republican ideology with whatever combination of skin tone, family history and genitalia needed for the role they will play.
After all, though Liberals often get accused of playing identity politics --- and putting people into undeserved positions based on race and gender quotas --- it’s really the Republicans who have truly mastered the art of this kind of appearance-based casting. Republicans found the one black judge in America who hates Affirmative Action worse than any white person alive, and put him on the Supreme Court. Republicans found the only black woman in the world who loves George W. Bush --- loves him to the point of calling him “my husband” by accident --- to put in charge of the National Security Agency, then State Department.****
They must have a talent scouting organization that makes Major League Baseball’s look like whoever’s been in charge of looking for Bin Ladin the last seven years.
I mean, come on. Just how many good-looking women politicians are there in the nation who just happen to love God, guns, family and the Oil Industry --- while hating taxes, the environment and abortion?
Just one. And they found her. If she doesn’t create a big bounce for McCain --- and not just the one in his pants, or as he probably calls them “dungarees” --- then I don’t know my America.
-
* It is hardly an accomplishment to be deemed slightly less corrupt, incompetent and repugnant than the other Alaskan GOP politicians. That is, after all, a group that shows the predictable rampant criminality and dimwittedness that you would expect to see when you combine isolated rednecks, the Republican model of governance and oil revenues.
** The “G” stands for “Governor.”
***While pregnant with her 5th child, a test showed that her fetus had Downs Syndrome. Because of her opposition to abortion, she had the child anyway, and named him “Trig.”
It strikes the fbomber as cruel to name a child after an academic subject he will be too stupid to ever master. The fbomber wonders if the baby had been born paralyzed, she would have named him “PhysEd.”
**** One might even suspect that these wholly undeserved appointments serve auxiliary Republican goals of making Affirmative Action --- and black people in general --- look bad. After all, even the most impartial critics of Thomas’s surly, lazy, Scalia-parroting tenure in the Supreme Court can only with great generosity call it “undistinguished.”
As for Condoleezza Rice. Jesus. Though the fbomber is perpetually unemployed and lives on a boat, at least his record of failure does not include responsibility for American security before 9/11 and American diplomacy after it.
For a moment, I considered adding this chestnut-haired beauty to the gallery of Presidential-candidate-family-masturbation-fodder, to serve in rotation along with the 2000-vintage Gore girls, 2004-period Bush Twins and the circa-2008 Chelsea. Scanning the caption of the photo for a name to moan to myself while imagining my nutsack resting on those angular cheekbones, I saw that this was no mere familial bimbo. Not at all. This was The Bimbo, the Bimbo Who Would Be Veep, the Bimbo a Single 72-Year-Old, Stroke-Having, Tantrum-Throwing Heartbeat Away from the Presidency.
I immediately took myself to wikipedia, where I absorbed the pertinent facts about this Sarah Palin person. New Governor of Alaska. Former Mayor of some frozen shithole village of 6,000 backward souls. Mother of five, including a Downs Syndrome baby. Former High School Basketball star, Beauty Pageant winner, and Newscaster.
McCain had picked this hardbody, er, nobody for his VP? Where’s the experience? The gravitas? The credentials to contribute to his Presidency and --- if actuarial charts have any legitimacy --- finish it?
Like many Democrats, I initially saw this as a pathetic, desperate Hail Mary move to court the female vote. Surely, I thought, they can’t believe that this transparent ploy will work, can they? Just how stupid do they think American women are? Even in my most cynical, I don’t believe that American women are so dim-witted as to view all vaginas as interchangeable when it’s time to vote. American men, yes. But even then only for sexual purposes.
For a second I almost felt sorry for the Republicans, to see their once-mighty Presidential-electing machinery in such disrepair.
Then I remembered. The Republicans do not make stupid mistakes before an election. They wait until afterwards, when they can be sure that someone else will suffer the consequences.
Though picking Titsy McHotAss for the 2nd Banana spot might be a bold move, even a risky one, you can be sure that it was a well-thought-out, scenario-crunched, focus-grouped, strategic risky move.
Upon further thought, I realized that the Smart & Nice Quadrant Democrats were ridiculing the choice because they were looking at it intellectually and logically… with their heads. A perspective in which it was a profoundly wrong, even laughable, move.
Looking at the choice of BubbleLips McBedroomEyes from the perspective of the other three Quadrants --- Nice & Dumb, Dumb & Mean and Smart & Mean --- however, it’s a genius stroke on several levels.
For most people in this country, smarts don’t mean so much in making decisions, even --- no, especially --- voting decisions. It’s about the gut, the emotions, how someone feels. Do they like or dislike someone? Fear or identify with? Want to choke or want to fuck? On these questions --- especially that last one --- GlamourPuss McCamelToe lifts --- no, Space-Shuttle-booster-rockets… McCain’s campaign to a higher level.
1. She engorges a previously limp and flaccid campaign.
Let’s dispense with the tissue-thin fiction that this was anything like a substantive, experience-driven, qualifications-motivated pick. This is a casting based on image and identity, nothing else. Though I’m sure Sarah Palin is a nice woman, she has not done anything in her life that would qualify her for consideration for the office of Vice President of the United States of America.*
She’s cheesecake. T&A. Eye Candy. The Republican’s primary problem this election is fatigue. And Nipples McMonsVenus provides instant stimulation. After all, is anyone ever too tired for porn? Because that’s what this 40-something GILF** is. A political centerfold, chosen for the same reasons 19-year olds named Brandi get put into men’s magazines wearing (briefly) nurse outfits.
She is not pornography just on the superficial, physical level either, though that is why she will soak up TV coverage like a fresh Tampax. As she will be presented to us, Palin’s whole life is a graphic, visual, multi-page photo spread of all the fantasies that put the lead in the Conservative pencil. Rugged individualism, as expressed by the wilderness of Alaska. Shooting guns. Using an internal combustion engine outdoors. Going to church. Having babies. Lot and lots of babies.***
To a tired and demoralized population of Dumb & Mean Americans, these images will be like a Viagra IV drip, raising them from their inert state to a condition of turgid, inflamed readiness.
2. By use of the “I’m rubber and you’re glue” gambit, she will be the vehicle for the continuing attack on Barrack Obama’s readiness for office.
Get ready to see and hear a concerted, unified effort to equate and conflate her level of experience with Barrack Obama’s. In rough terms, this effort will equate her experience as mayor of Mayberry, Alaska to Obama’s Illinois state legislature. And her two years as Governor with his two years in the U.S. Senate.
Though this message is so egregiously bullshit that nobody should be able to entertain it --- much less repeat it --- without breaking into snickers of disbelief, it will get repeated many, many times. For the Dumb people who it is aimed at, this continuous debate and repetition will validate this equivalency. In this way, attacks that discredit Palin will have a kind of jiu-jitsu effect on weakening Obama with America’s more bovine Sweet & Dumb voters.
3. Palin gives the Right a chance to give Hillary Clinton a final, gratuitous, vicious kick in the pantsuit-crotch while she’s down.
One woman left the race. Another woman entered. It’s natural that people will compare the two. And even if it’s not, FOX News is going to be sure to do it anyway.
And in the comparison, Palin is going to be portrayed as the infinitely less threatening and more likable. Instead of elite universities and a law career, Palin went for a state school and being a prettyface news anchor. Instead of one kid who went to Stanford, Palin has had five, including one now joining the Army. And instead of a hideous coven of lesbian, feminist, communist, Nazi, flag-burning, blood-drinking, Bible-desecrating witches, Palin has gone to a regular Christian church.
-
Judging from these criteria, LabiaLips McSugarClit is a brilliant addition to the campaign. It just makes me wonder how the Republican machine finds people like her, people who can match the required, retarded Republican ideology with whatever combination of skin tone, family history and genitalia needed for the role they will play.
After all, though Liberals often get accused of playing identity politics --- and putting people into undeserved positions based on race and gender quotas --- it’s really the Republicans who have truly mastered the art of this kind of appearance-based casting. Republicans found the one black judge in America who hates Affirmative Action worse than any white person alive, and put him on the Supreme Court. Republicans found the only black woman in the world who loves George W. Bush --- loves him to the point of calling him “my husband” by accident --- to put in charge of the National Security Agency, then State Department.****
They must have a talent scouting organization that makes Major League Baseball’s look like whoever’s been in charge of looking for Bin Ladin the last seven years.
I mean, come on. Just how many good-looking women politicians are there in the nation who just happen to love God, guns, family and the Oil Industry --- while hating taxes, the environment and abortion?
Just one. And they found her. If she doesn’t create a big bounce for McCain --- and not just the one in his pants, or as he probably calls them “dungarees” --- then I don’t know my America.
-
* It is hardly an accomplishment to be deemed slightly less corrupt, incompetent and repugnant than the other Alaskan GOP politicians. That is, after all, a group that shows the predictable rampant criminality and dimwittedness that you would expect to see when you combine isolated rednecks, the Republican model of governance and oil revenues.
** The “G” stands for “Governor.”
***While pregnant with her 5th child, a test showed that her fetus had Downs Syndrome. Because of her opposition to abortion, she had the child anyway, and named him “Trig.”
It strikes the fbomber as cruel to name a child after an academic subject he will be too stupid to ever master. The fbomber wonders if the baby had been born paralyzed, she would have named him “PhysEd.”
**** One might even suspect that these wholly undeserved appointments serve auxiliary Republican goals of making Affirmative Action --- and black people in general --- look bad. After all, even the most impartial critics of Thomas’s surly, lazy, Scalia-parroting tenure in the Supreme Court can only with great generosity call it “undistinguished.”
As for Condoleezza Rice. Jesus. Though the fbomber is perpetually unemployed and lives on a boat, at least his record of failure does not include responsibility for American security before 9/11 and American diplomacy after it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)