Five Fucking Years Later.

Driving in to work this morning, I was scowling at the non-stop 9/11 memorializing and pontificating and sentimentalizing that I was listening to on NPR. I've been scowling a lot lately, and going out of my way NOT to read or listen to, much less watch, anything about that day.

So in the car I started thinking, scowling is rather an odd reaction for me to have. And wondering just what do I think about the event. Looking within, I'm deeply conflicted about 9/11, and what it means to me. Also, very reluctant to honestly express what I really feel, since it goes against the template of emotions that I've been instructed, or rather assumed, to feel by society as verbalized by the media and the various political figures (mostly on the right, but on the left too) trying to manipulate me into supporting their agenda.

I'll start with the big, ugly, most unspeakable feeling first.

I'm over 9/11. It happened. It was terrible. Let's not forget about it. Or the good people we lost that day. Let's definitely stop it from ever happening again (more on this later). But for fuck's sake let's get on with being America again. It didn't change my life forever. It didn't change the world forever. It didn't end an era for me and radically change how I think about the world. I already knew that there were people out there that wanted to hurt America. They got lucky one day, that's all.

Lest I sound callous, let me give a little bit of background. I was living in New York City, Upper East Side, that day and have done my share of cursing and crying, thinking about the poor souls so desperate to escape the inferno within the building they jumped out of the city's tallest building. In fact, just writing that previous sentence made my eyes burn and water.

But I don't think anyone in that building that day would have wanted America to drop everything else on our plate and focus on The War On Terror, 24/7, to the exclusion of all else, since. They were busy people, capable of multi-tasking and would have expected us to do the same.

Second, I'm and angry and disgusted by what has happened since that day. And, yeah, I'm going to get political here. This administration took the justifiable anger and desire for justice 9/11 created and perverted it to justify a completely unrelated, optional war they had been wanting to wage for over a decade.

To me that's the lowest, most shameful sort of manipulation there is. As a matter of fact, I'm more angry at our own government than I am at Bin Ladin. Bin Ladin is a fundamentalist Islamic jihadist who had sworn to attack us. Being angry at him would be like being angry at a scorpion for trying to sting you. Like a scorpion, I want to stop him. I want to kill him. I want to punish him. But there's no sense of violated trust.

With Bush and Cheney, it's different. After 9/11, I set aside my misgivings about the government and supported my President in our time of need. And in return, they have lost American lives, wasted American money and soiled American honor. I feel profoundly betrayed by the Republicans and what they've done.

Third, they've failed to address the most important piece of stopping this thing from happening again.

I believe that preventing another 9/11 has two parts: the first is making less possible to COMMIT another terrorist attack on the US. The second is to make it less common to WANT to.

The administration seems to be completely focused on the first part, and doing a passible job at it, in a completely inefficient, costly, bassackward fashion. Say what you will, turning Afghanistan & Iraq into bloody war zones does keep long-term, complex terrorist plans from being developed in those countries.

But as far as that second, more important, piece, making it less common for people to WANT to attack us... they are utter, counterproductive, disasters.

Maybe I'm one of those "Blame America First"-ers the Rightwingers keep nattering on about, but as I was walking back to my apartment in the crowd of people denied our usual subway ride home that day I was thinking that an event like this should make America examine just what it is we've done in the world that would make people hate us badly enough to do this to us. Call me crazy, but I believe that if I am attacked, I should at least take a moment to examine myself and my behavior.

I believe that it's very possible that I could have done something to offend or injure the other party. Personally, as a matter of my own personal ethics, I want to try to keep my behavior as ethically sound as I am capable. To keep my side of the street clean. I fail often, and when I do there are often consequences. I step on someone's toes and they push back. For a combination of moral and purely selfish reasons --- I don't want to live in a world where I keep getting pushed back --- I want to avoid stepping on people's toes, even accidentally.

And the US, to put it mildly, has a long history of a lot of toe-stepping, without a whole lot of push-backs.

But instead of deciding to step more gingerly going forward, and get our own legal, ethical and moral house in order our Administration decided to say, in essence, "not only will we continue to step on your toes if we want, we will kick you in the ass and stomp on your neck at will and anyone that doesn't like it can expect to get more of the same himself." Then proceeded to act out this threat in Afghanistan, Iraq and now threatens to do the same in Syria and Iran.

As a result, I feel LESS safe now than I did on September 12, 2001 and MORE hated around the world. Which is one hell of a way to mark five years later. Fuck.