President Romney 2009: This is how it happens.

Mit is tenderly nuzzling his nose up the Religious Right's poop-chute, a little bit of foreplay before he buries it to the hilt.

The election is his. Let me be the first to call it.

Forget Obama. Forget Hillary. Our next President is going to be another Republican. A stupid Mormon one with a 80’s-style haircut.

Here’s why.

People are stupid, selfish, mean and fearful .

I almost said “Americans” are stupid, selfish, hateful and fearful, but that’s unfair. American’s aren’t inherently dumber, greedier, meaner and more cowardly than humanity in general. I believe those attributes are pretty evenly distributed through the homo sapiens genetic code, and probably even bound up somehow with adenine, guanine, thyrine and cytosine in the actual strands of our DNA.

We Americans, however, tend to glorify those vices more than most other cultures though. We even confuse them with virtues to a much greater extent than, say, the Swiss. And stupid, selfish, mean and fearful Americans want, ultimately, to vote for John Wayne.

At no time do these despicable qualities become more pandered to than during the election of whichever corporate-owned figurehead will preside over the Executive branch of the federal government.

That’s when these four ugliest strands of humanity’s psyche get plucked like banjo strings, in order to --- just like in the movie “Deliverance” --- provide a soundtrack for a brutal ass-rape. The victims are reason, common sense and a basic understanding of what is in our best interests.

After these decision-making factors have been made to squeal like pigs by the rancid cocks of fear-mongering right-wing corportatist propaganda, Americans give up trying to think about who they really want to see in office.

Instead, out of sheer exhausted panic, they vote against whoever they have been convinced to see as the most repulsive.

And the Republicans can be said to be the master of a three skills: Making money. Trolling for anonymous gay sex in public bathrooms. Making Democrats look repulsive.

That’s not many but it is enough. Every four years they take a decent, intelligent, successful public figure and convince a whisker-thin majority of stupid, greedy, mean and fearful voters that that public figure has some petty, yet stomach-turning character flaw. A tiny weakness in their psyche, yet one so pathetic and shameful that he should be shunned as an embarrassment to the race, not elevated to lead the nation.

Gore is a serial exaggerator. Kerry is a pussified flip-flopper. Clinton is a rapist. Dukkakis fellates Willie Horton. And so on and so on and so on.

By comparison, the Republican is portrayed as John Wayne.

Not the real John Wayne, who was named Marion, wore lifts, and sat out WWII to advance his film career. The John Wayne that was shown on the movie screen. Quiet. Masculine. Tough. Confident. Contemptuous of book learning. Intinctively competent. In other words, the kind of person the stupid, selfish, mean and fearful people would like to see themselves as, if they could ever forget for one second that they are stupid, selfish, mean and fearful .

And it works. Except for when the stupid, selfish, mean and fearful party lost its crazy sub-wing to Ross Perot in ’92 and the Republicans nominated someone too old and crippled to play the John Wayne role in ’96, it fucking works. Every time.

Of the Republican field, who can take on the John Wayne role? The Republicans hoped Fred Thompson could, but he’s proving to be too old and drowsy to pull it off. Same with cranky old coot McCain. Guiliani is plenty selfish, mean and fearful, but not quite stupid enough, as evidenced by his positions on gays, guns and babies.

Romney is not actually stupid, but he is desperate and shameless enough to play that part if he thinks it will get him the votes. Consequently, as soon as the Mormon issue can be assuaged sufficiently (see article) the Republicans --- first the moneyed decision makers, and eventually the stupid, selfish, mean and fearful masses --- will coalesce around him.

Then in the general elections, it’s all over.

Hillary, Obama and John Edwards don’t stand a chance. Remember, the Republicans don’t have to convince any stupid, selfish, mean and fearful people to vote for Romney, only convince them to vote against the Democratic candidate.

A woman, named Clinton to boot. A black guy. A smart, kind, thoughtful, gentle man who believes that the rich should share wealth with the poor.

Half the Republicans’ work will already be done.