Goodbye - Finally - To All That

No matter who* is elected this November, the fbomber is gratified to see that some of the worst elements of the Bush-Cheney Era will at long last be left behind, consigned to the same dustbin of history where America’s manufacturing base, international goodwill and military capacity now decompose.

Looking at America’s current economic and military disaster, many might view the last seven years as a complete debacle. But the fbomber --- ever a toilet-half-flushed kind of person --- prefers to find the positive aspects of this period of unfettered Republican rule.

To the fbomber, the years between 2000-2008 are valuable as a sort of social experiment in what happens when conservatives are allowed to exert their influence on this country, with Washington D.C. serving as a cross between a laboratory and the adult-less island in “Lord of the Flies.”

The ensuing disaster appears to have made an impression on even the most dull-witted and complacent members of America’s clueless citizenry. Just as even the stupidest cows eventually learn to avoid touching the electric fence, it looks like America’s cow-people are learning to avoid some specific, telltale signs of the most harmful strand of conservatism.

If the two remaining candidates of Barrack Obama and John McCain are any indicator of the preferences of the majority of voting Americans, both Democrat and Republican, the following elements of Republicanism are --- at least temporarily --- out of favor.

1. Crazy Christianity.
Unlike Bush, who practically billed himself as Yahweh’s running mate, neither John McCain nor Barrack Obama falls into creationist, speaking-in-tongues, praying-out-loud-at-Cracker-Barrel camp. And for that, we can all be grateful to the deity of our choice. Because - in my experience - any time someone is “born again,” the second birthing tends to result in massive brain damage.

Hopefully, this means that God has lost interest in interfering in U.S. political races and will now concentrate on the things He is best at: earthquakes, hurricanes and killing babies with malaria.

2. Corporate Executives Writing Legislation Affecting Their Industry.
In 2001, Cheney secretly invited the heads of America’s biggest oil companies to come set America’s energy policy. A policy that unsurprisingly included lots of subsidies and tax breaks, but little conservation or environmental regulation. Over the next seven years, America consumers paid record prices for gasoline while these oil companies posted record profits and air, water and land pollution increased.

In an equally shocking development, Bush’s decision to place Lindsey Lohan in charge of America’s strategic pharmaceutical-grade cocaine stockpile didn’t turn out well either.

3. A Foreign Policy Based on the Philosophy of the Cobra Kai Karate School.

4. Teetotaling.
George W. Bush has effectively ruined Presidential aspirations for sober people, forever. At this point, I think America might finally realize that if someone is compulsively driven to drink and drug themselves to the brink of death three times a week, they probably have a design flaw too severe to fix by just laying off the sauce. Tough luck there, Robert Downey Jr.

5. Visibly Evil People in the White House.
Unless the malignant spirit inhabiting Dick Cheney’s body can pass from host to host like the demon in “Fallen,” it seems unlikely that we will ever have anyone quite as malevolently destructive in the Executive Branch ever again. Though, again, in the spirit of looking for the positive side of things, I will point out that Cheney’s insatiable thirst for fresh blood has virtually eliminated metropolitan D.C.’s population of stray cats.

6. Incompetence + Arrogance.
Obama may be arrogant, but at least he is able to do things, and even do some of them exceptionally well. McCain is clearly incompetent**, but is at least humble about it, cheerfully admitting that he knows nothing about a confusing little subject called economics as he makes his bid to head up the largest economy in the world.

7. Stubbornness In the Face of Contradictory Facts.
Both Obama and McCain have flip-flopped, backtracked, reversed course and changed their message as events, goals and circumstances warranted. Compared to President One-Track-Mind, this is a Very Good Thing.

8. Republicanism Itself.
In 2001, the Republicans had everything that they could possibly want:
Complete control over the Legislative and Executive Branches.
A healthy economy.
A balanced budget.
A legitimately scary, dark-skinned enemy to whip up fear about.
A gay male hooker in the White House Press Corps.

The ball was finally, indubitably, irrefutably in their court to do with whatever they wanted. And they did, starting wars, ignoring civil rights, mocking international law, reducing taxes, increasing spending, and every other thing on their eight-years-in-the-writing To Do List.

Seven years later, we’re mired in two losing wars, our national honor has been lost, the deficit is enormous, the jobless rate is rising, the dollar is worthless, gasoline and food prices are spiraling upward, and vast portions of our economy are rotting, smoldering carcasses.

The experiment is over. The results are in. Republicans suck. Not just in the relative privacy of airport restrooms either. Every place. In every way. Morally. Ethically. Economically. Fiscally. Administratively. Personally. Militarily. Spiritually. Even physically. Just try to imagine a nude GOP convention, if you ever want to semi-permanently quash your sex drive.

Even the Republicans finally realize how repugnant they are, like a drunkard slowly coming to consciousness and realizing that the bad smell that's been giving him nightmares is coming from his own soiled underwear. That’s why they nominated someone who has --- superficially and sporadically --- butted heads with the Republican Party during his political career.

Again, this is a Very Good Thing. Let’s enjoy this repugnance while it lasts. Which if history is any indicator, should be about three years, maybe seven.

-----

*Of course it’s going to be McCain. Quit kidding yourself. He’s white, and this is a nation that didn’t even like Muhammad Ali until he couldn’t freaking talk anymore.

** Someone much more cynical and disrespectful than the fbomber might say that McCain was by his own admission a horrible student, obviously a substandard pilot, and no great shakes as a Senator. This person might go on to make the argument that McCain’s high water mark of personal achievement was as a captive prisoner in a losing war. But the fbomber would not go that far.