OsamaWatch:2555 Days and Counting

Today marks the seventh anniversary of the worst terrorist attack in American history, one that killed almost 3,000 Americans.

Though the fbomber knows how many distractions this nation has right now --- Look! A Presidential candidate with really curly hair! Wow! A chick Vice-Presidential candidate with sexy rimless glasses! --- he wonders if anyone, anywhere, in any official U.S. Government capacity is actively trying to catch the motherfucker who reportedly planned and directed that attack.

Here’s a refresher: His name is Osama Bin Laden. It’s understandable if you’ve forgotten the name, since the only time you hear the word “Osama” anymore is when Republicans deliberately mispronounce Barrack Obama’s name to make some childish, retarded, bullshit point that only childish, retarded, bullshit people can even understand.

Osama --- the real Osama --- is a Saudi national. He’s about 6 foot 5 inches, with a long stringy beard, livery-looking lips and big, soulful, puppy-dog eyes --- kind of like Paul McCartney’s if Paul McCartney were a fanatical killer motivated by a perverted interpretation of an already violent religion.

U.S. forces last spotted him in the hills of Tora Bora back in December of 2001 --- way back when we were actually winning the war in Afghanistan --- but he somehow slipped away. Various reports have him in the mountainous, wild, lawless Waziristan region of Pakistan* or maybe even dead.

I think it’s outrageous that it’s 2008 and we don’t even know for sure if he’s still breathing or not. And what’s more, nobody seems to care. Networks haven't broken into our regularly scheduled programming to tell us about the latest Osama sighting since I don't know when. The CIA unit tasked with finding him was disbanded in 2005.

Oddly, America --- a nation which remains fascinated beyond all reason with sluts and drug addicts who peaked a half-century ago ---seems to have lost interest completely in this mass murderer after only seven years.

Why are we letting this killer off the hook? Were his victims not blond or pretty enough to merit continued interest?

Shouldn’t the War on Terror include at least a couple of shots at those who actually commit acts of terror against us? If nothing else, those legitimate uses of force could at least act as a sort of fig leaf to cover whatever other bloody, expensive, misguided, illegal side-projects this nation chooses to lump into that category as well.

Don’t we want revenge? This is --- after all --- the nation which gave the world “Death Wish,” “Kill Bill” and, er, “Kill Bill II.” Don’t we want some payback? What's holding us back?

We certainly have no compunction about indulging in all our other baser instincts of lust, greed, jealousy, rage and violence --- usually in a single hour of FOX prime time programming --- so why are we drawing the line at a desire for retribution?

Personally, I don’t care if it’s seven years, seventeen or seventy. I want Osama caught. If he’s alive, I want him in an orange jumpsuit in Rikers Island, being sodomized in the showers. If he’s dead, I want him dug up and brought here for a ritual corpse defilement, also consisting of sodomization in a shower.

Finally, weren’t we --- as an angry and grieving nation --- promised that this asshole would be brought to justice? Shortly after the attacks, I seem to remember our President solemnly intoning on national television that Osama would be captured, “dead or alive.”**

Though Bush failed to keep most of his other promises --- especially his vow to “preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States” --- I always kind of hoped that he would meet this one. After all, it didn’t really require any thought or work on his part. Just an order for one person to kill another person, his specialty.***

It looks like it’s not going to happen though. Bush has already been quoted as saying that “he doesn’t think about” Bin Laden.**** That’s too bad. Because after seven years of Bush not thinking about Bin Laden, the trail has grown colder than the underground crypt Dick Cheney goes into to hide from sunlight.

What a shame. I just wish that the Republicans had showed as much energy chasing Osama as they did the blue dress Bill Clinton jizzed on.

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* The fbomber finds it comical --- in a choking, sickening way --- that this country’s multi-billion dollar surveillance satellites, predator drones, communications-interceptions networks, information-processing hardware and intelligence agencies are apparently rendered useless by caves. Caves. How much more low-tech can you get than that? That’s like having your F-16 shot down by a flint-tipped spear.

** Perhaps when Bush said that, he had already decided on “dead” and chosen the world’s top assassin --- old age --- to carry out the hit.

*** Texas: 154 Executed while Governor
Iraq: 4155 U.S. Dead, 150,000 to 1 million Iraqi dead.
Afghanistan: 586 U.S. Dead, up to 14,000 Afghanis dead.

**** Luckily, he stopped there. If he had given a complete list of all the things that he does not think about, he would probably still be talking now, and I am --- frankly --- sick of his voice.