Plumber? More like Joe the Stupid Lying Law-Breaking Asshole

First off, I’ll confess that I did not watch or listen to the entire third Presidential debate. I tried, but was too saddened and put off by McCain’s feverish and pathetic aggressiveness to finish.

Jesus. I haven’t seen a white guy go after a black guy so hard since the Kimbo Slice fight.* From what I did see, McCain never managed to land a punch like that pink-haired MMA dude did, though. As mad as McCain was, Obama shrugged off the old man’s palsied jabs with the confidence of a fighter who knows that he’s so far ahead on points that he only needs to avoid getting knocked out to win the fight.

Still. The entire spectacle of McCain grimacing and clenching his increasingly deformed jaw while compressing his wattle-y old turkey-neck --- viewed in High Def --- was so stomach-turning that I watched some Tivo’d segments of “CSI: Miami” with a friend instead. Meaning --- astoundingly --- that compared to John McCain, David Caruso was the lesser douchebag of the night.

I should have kept watching the debate though. Because it looks I missed the emergence of the next shining political star for the Republicans. The clear favorite to be the bottom half of the Sarah Palin for President ticket in 2012.

Apparently, the final Presidential debate was really a debut party for the arrogant loser full-of-shit cocksucker called “Joe the Plumber.” For those who also missed the unveiling of America’s future VP --- one even more intellectually unqualified and personally repugnant than Governor Moose-fucker herself --- here’s the story.

While out on the hustings in Toledo, Obama happened upon this unmarried 34-year old toilet-unplugger, who was in his yard playing football with his 13-year-old son.

Joe took this chance to go up to the next President of the United States and pour some of the steaming pile of ca-ca in his bald head out through his mouth --- starting with this accusation, phrased as a question:

"I’m getting ready to buy a company that makes $250,000 to $280,000 a year. Your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn’t it?"

The ever-gracious, ever-patient, almost painfully-earnest Obama proceeded to give Joe a very long, detailed, respectful answer to this question. An answer that visibly bounced off the dipshit Joe’s doughy, moronic, slit-eyed face as his weak brain grasped and fumbled for the next Fox-News-fed talking point he would poop out of his slack mouth-anus.

You could almost see him visibly relax when he finally got a firm mental hold of the next buzzword he was going to blindly excrete at the high-pressure jet of intelligence directed at him.

Twice that happened, with Joe’s contribution to the exchange being a look of stubborn, unsubdued, unashamed ignorance and the meager shit-pellets of a mumbled “American Dream” and “flat tax.” Shit-pellets that were so quickly swept away by the force of Obama’s considered, thoughtful, detailed hydrant-blast of information that they hardly left their stench of stupidity in the air.

Here, you can watch the hose-down for yourself:

Still, even those tiny, stinking little shit-pellets were enough to make Joe a hero to the Right. First over at Fox News, who raised this nobody to icon status as an entrepreneur emperiled by the socialistic schemes of Barack Obama. Then John McCain himself, who bandied Joe the Plumber’s name about in the debate, causing it to be mentioned two dozen times in total. Joe then went on some Fox News show himself. Katie Couric interviewed him. Fortune Magazine wrote an article entitled “McCain's best hope: Joe the plumber.”

The next logical step is for this guy to join the next Republican ticket. After all --- as a further investigation of Joe the Plumber proves --- he meets all the current requirements for a brilliant GOP career.

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1. He is a complete liar. For starters, his first name isn’t even Joe. It’s Sam. Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher. Wurzelbacher I can understand dropping. It’s a fucking bitch to pronounce. But Sam? What’s wrong with Sam? Why is this guy so determined to go by an alias? Clearly, he loves to lie so much, that he can't even say his OWN NAME with any honesty.

2. He is delusional. According to his boss, who Joe/Sam was supposedly going to buy this business from, the only time they discussed this potential transaction --- the one that Joe/Sam thought important enough to personally critique a United States Senator’s proposed tax plan over --- was SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO. DURING THEIR INITIAL JOB INTERVIEW. Since then, there have been no negotiations, no assessments, no discussion of transfer terms. In other word, when Joe/Sam said that he was “getting ready to buy” a business what he meant was that he was thinking about it. To himself.

Well, fuck-a-duck, Sammy. I’m thinking about importing a freight-container full of 18-year-old sex-slaves from Eastern Europe. Sometimes I think about it half a Kleenex box worth a day. That doesn’t mean that the next time Obama comes canvassing my block I’m going to harangue him to legalize prostitution and human trafficking statutes to better suit my fantasies.

3. He can’t fucking add up numbers. The business Sammy was thinking about buying --- a two-person outfit named Newell Plumbing and Heating Co. of Toledo --- only makes a net profit of somewhere between $100 - $200k per year.

Given what we’ve seen of Sam/Joe so far, even if he ever does buy the business --- a gargantuan “if” --- I think it’s safe to say that he’s not the kind of businessman who’s going to raise their revenue by 25-150% anytime soon. So the whole higher-taxes-over-$250k wouldn’t even apply to him.

4. He thinks that he does not need to abide by the law. Even though the county where he lives requires plumbers to be licensed, neither he or his employer possess this needed credential. The local plumbers union says that he applied for an apprenticeship in 2003, but “never completed the work.” So, apparently, Joe/Sam thinks that it is okay to flaunt local professional requirements, and to perform plumbing work that may or may not abide by the relevant building codes… because, well, he’s Joe/Sam, that’s why.

What’s more, he doesn’t seem to want to pay his hospital bills or tax bills. He’s had two liens taken out against him for $1100 apiece for nonpayment of those pesky little expenses he incurred and subsequently ignored.

5. He is --- let’s just say --- a bit insensitive to some obvious racial issues. Obama, instead of ignoring Joe/Sam like the ignorant little shit-stirrer that he is, paid him the respect of addressing his truculently phrased question as if it were an honest request for information. A request that he fulfilled with a deluge of facts, figures and philosophical justifications regarding his proposed tax plan.

Joe/Sam not only visibly hardened himself against hearing --- much less understanding and processing that answer --- but later characterized it as “a tap dance.” One that, he said, was “almost as good as Sammy Davis Jr.”

Sammy Davis Jr.? Tap dancing? Um, Sam/Joe, you do realize that you are talking about a black man here? Sammy Davis Jr. and tap dancing might not be the appropriate metaphor to use. Tap dancing in particular carries some subtle and historical negative racial connotations of minstrel and blackface shows.

Why not just go straight for a set of breakdance, rap and fried chicken references and be done with it, Joe/Sam? With a watermelon and malt liquor chaser while you're at it? Why hold back?

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So there we have it. Mean. Stupid. Dishonest. Criminal. Living in an ideologically-pure fantasy world. And despite all these shortcomings, breath-takingly arrogant. Even in the face of all his intellectual, legal and social deficits, this colossal jackass has the clanking, swinging balls to believe that he can legitimately engage in intellectual debate with someone who is so obviously and publicly his superior in every possible way.

Sound like anyone we know? Actually that’s a trick question. It sounds like every successful Republican Presidential candidate ever. Fuck VP. Fuck waiting until 2012. I'm shocked that the Republicans don’t ditch McCain and run Joe on the top slot right now.

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* The fbomber hates to bandy ethnic generalizations around, but has to point out that this Presidential race has turned traditional racial stereotypes on their head.

In his quest to be President, Obama has conducted himself with stereotypical characteristics of older white males: He has been methodical, rational, organized and disciplined nearly to the point of dullness.

By contrast, John McCain has shown the characteristics that racists commonly apply to younger black men: Untrustworthiness. Poor impulse control. Aggressiveness. And a lifelong obsession with fucking blond women.